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I've been forced to grow up and take on life in full force at least three years too soon.
My mom keeps telling me I'll have to talk to someone about all of this eventually, but I wouldn't even know where to begin.
I can't wait to get out of college just so I can have a stable, low-paying, and underappreciated job teaching others so hopefully they won't have to end up like I am. At least then I'll have a steady income to pay for all of the mess that keeps coming at me.
Summer here promises to be miserable.
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Friday, October 6th, 2006
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I'm trying. I'm really trying. I feel like the harder I try, the more I'm falling apart.
Bury me in memory.
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Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
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| Time: | 2:15 pm. |
| Mood: |  irritated. | | Music: | RHCP- Hard to Concentrate. |
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Damn giving out my phone number to people regarding swim lessons/privates whatever. I only get one week away from the pool- which happens to be in California- and they can't cut my phone a break. I've had AT LEAST one call every morning regarding swim lessons (even after I left a sign up at the pool saying not to call this week and leave a note there) that has woken me up.
Three hour time difference, assholes. It's SEVEN in the morning when you think you're being nice and waiting 'til ten.
(Not you Adam)
Okay I'm done, the fog's burned off, and the beach is only around the corner.
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My job sucks. I've busted my butt in attempt to try to please everyone, but in the end, someone's always pissed off about something. SO why bust my butt to try and please everyone? Not anymore. I might as well just half-ass it and still have the same end result of pissed off people. After this summer I don't have to see this again cause I will be living in Columbia 'til I'm out of college when mom moves back to Cali after Lisa graduates.
I'm sick of drama. I thought I left all that bullshit behind last Christmas. The sad truth is that there are waaaay too many people who thrive on it and create it for some crazy sick pleasure.
Mom heads to Cali for a little over a month on Thursday.
Swim team drama will be over in 27 days.
In 33 days I will have a week by the Pacific Ocean..
53 days 'til I don't listen to homeowners bitch about "algae" on the deck
and FIFTY FOUR DAYS 'til I move into my lovely apartment with my beautiful roommates.
and who knows when I'll see my rediculously awesome boyfriend again-- not soon enough.
I need a new job in Cola when I go back to school..
and you can't explain, but the went and pulled me into the hurricane"
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Work owns my life. Swim team, private lessons, group lessons, guarding at the Y and managing Orchard Farms.
Work will continue to own on me for the rest of the summer, but it makes the time go by so much quicker and there's gonna be a good bit of money to show for it.
I miss Cameron.
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Saturday, April 22nd, 2006
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So I brought my backpack with me downtown to do astronomy while my sister gets her hair and makeup done for prom and I remembered that I brought my computer home- yay! So of course I'm not working on astronomy.. or writing either of the two papers that are due next week.. Go figure.. Have the rest of the afternoon to waste on homework.
I always mean to write in here and then I find myself doing something else instead, so let's see.. I went home with Cameron last weekend for Easter (and by going home I mean I drove his gimpy self and Lauren in my car- ha). I was really nervous.. especially when Cameron's bringing a bunch of beer in the car telling me he doesn't want to have to deal with his parents sober. Totally freaking out. We made really good time to Charelston, dropped Lauren off, and then Cameron literally lives right up the street from her, so that's cool. As soon as we got to his house his dad gave me a big hug. He said that his dad would love me and his mom would be a little more standoffish. I ended up being fine over there. His parents were cool and his little brother is almost as tall as Lisa. Saturday night we didn't do much cause we got there late and I had worked all day. We got up Sunday and his mom cooked Easter dinner for all of us and then his aunt, unlce, and 12 year old cousin. The food was soooooo good.. His mom loves to cook. We got done with dinner and everything around 3:30 but Lauren wasn't ready to leave, so we hung out there.. his aunt and uncle left.. and we just hung out and watched ATHF with his little bro. When we were gonna leave, his parents were so nice to me.. His dad had washed my car for me and his mom gave me gas money! They were really nice and I was pretty sure that his mom liked me. I survived meeting the parents. :)
All this week I've been doing astronomy like it's my job. I know that I shouldn't have waited 'til the last minute, but of course I did and I'm totally not the only one scrambling to get it all done. NEVER take a self-paced class. I really thought that I could get it all done in like two weeks, but some of the required units are a lot longer and harder than I expected. I'm to the point where I'm just gonna try to do enough to get a B/C in there and know that I've learned my lesson. It might not be so bad if I was learning stuff that I actually cared about.. I thought that I was going to be learning about constellations and stuff, but noooo I'm learing about how a stupid telescope works and atoms and crap.. Totally not what I thought astronomy was going to be. Ugh, oh well. Never again.
I have to be done with all of that astronomy Monday at 8 PM... I've also got a paper due on Monday at 5.. and then I just have a take home eassy that's due Thursday and my Geography exam next Tuesday at 9 AM. So basically I have one exam which will be relatively easy and it's not for a week and a half. That means all next week I've got nothing to do but work and study a little bit.. yay! :) My mom's coming down one night after work so she can finally meet Cameron. :) I know she'll really like him. I wish I had some crazy family to put him through meeting cause he made me worry so much, but I don't. Eventually I'll make him meet my second family (Cindy's) and that should be plenty.. haha
I haven't been this tired in a long time.. cause I'm actually getting stuff done. It feels good to be getting everything that I need to done, but it sucks being this tired. I've got to go over to Upstate to get my pool stuff later and tomorrow I've got swim team registration.. yay. It didn't occur to me until this week that I'm going to be having to get up at like 7 AM for like half of my summer. ugh- I'm so not a morning person. I'm so glad that yesterday was my last day opening at the freakin' crack of dawn at Strom.
I have soooooooo much stuff to bring home. I got started this weekend and brought most of my winter stuff and shoes that won't need for the next week or so. I think I have more clothes than any person I know and the sad part is, I don't wear half of em. There's gonna be some serious cleaning out that goes down when I'm home for good.
Ughh.. This being tired business sucks. I'm glad it's started to clear up. Nobody wants a rainy prom. :)
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I'm at home for the night, I've gotta little time, so why not update? It's been awhile anyway.. Let's see..
I'm broke. Really, really broke, but what college student isn't with only 3 weeks left in the semester? It's especially lame for me because I have a job at school, I just haven't gotten paid yet.. Stupid Strom.
I have started to kick astronomy's ass instead of letting it kick mine, so that's cool. I've still got quite a bit to do and only like 2.5 weeks to do it in. I got advised earlier this week and found out that it was only going to count as an elective instead of a science. I'm pretty angry about that, so I'm probably only going to do enough work to get a B. I would have much rather owned on some Spanish or something cool for an easy elective credit. Oh well.
I don't drink much anymore. Like I haven't drank in like a week and that's saying something for me. I tried to have a beer last night, but I just couldn't handle it. It makes me ill. It's probably better that way. It's not healthy at all how much I USED to drink (mainly last semester) and I actually get stuff done and go to class now. It just sucks the way I had to figure that one out (getting drugged at a bar). I don't think I ever wrote about that, but it was seriously one of the worst feelings in the world to wake up the next day and not know what on earth was going on. So many things could have gone wrong that night and I got really lucky. Ugh. I'm still pissed and upset about the whole thing. Having to stoop so low as to try and drug somebody to get what you want is really, really low and just sick.
Cameron broke his leg on Wednesday. Both bones in his right leg while he was skating. Good one. I feel so bad for him.. He skates cause he can't surf while he's at school and now he won't be surfing for about six weeks (much less doing anything else). He's gonna have to get over this super-human independence thing that he's had going on a little bit, so that's good. :) He's such a great guy.
Speaking of great guys, my roomie's gotta boyfriend! :) The whole way that all worked out was pretty funny, but Ross seems to be a good guy so far. I'm sick of Cindy getting dicked over by guys. I've already made it pretty clear that if he dicks her over, he's gonna have to deal with me and it's now gonna be fun.
Hmm.. A lot of stuff has been going on here at home, but nothing I feel like sharing on the internet. But I will say my I think my sister's boyfriend is an asshole and that whole situation is pretty much a repeat of my whole Brandon situation. It seems like the first person everybody really, truly cares about has to turn into an unappreicative ass and mess things up. I really hate seeing my sister miserable- especially over the same thing that I had to go through. She just hasn't gotten a break with anything lately.
Well I suppose it's time to help mom get stuff ready for California. She and Lisa are leaving on Monday to look at some of the schools out there. USC and UCLA and maybe a few other schools are looking at her, so that's really awesome. Ugh- I have so much laundry to do. I'm too nice and I told my gimpy boyfriend I'd do his too (since it's free at home).
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| Time: | 11:17 pm. |
| Mood: |  stressed. |
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I had an unusually productive day- yay! We've got like a month of school left and I am completly SLAMMED with school work. I know it wouldn't be nearly as bad had I not waited 'til now to begin astronomy, but oh well, it happens and I'm getting it done. Good thing I got a job at the pool cause it forces me to do work when I'm not on the stand. I've actually gotten a lot of stuff done since I've been working there. I pretty much get paid to do my homework cause like nobody swims there. I'll take it.
I'm trying to figure out class stuff for next semester. They give us a sheet with an example of all the semesters so we can make sure that we get all of the classes in at the right time so we graduate on time and whatnot. Next semester's when all of the education classes start hardcore. I'm still really not sure if that's what I wanna do for the rest of my life. I think I'm gonna see what my advisor thinks about double majoring in early childhood and elementary. Ugh.. I just don't know. I hate telling people that I'm an education major. It's not as easy as I thought it was gonna be..
So much on my mind- so much to worry about.. I've just gotta make through April..
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I don't look forward to things or expect anything from anyone so I can't get let down. So why do I still feel like this?
This week the trend is to try to rub stuff in my face..
Let's see what's gonna get the best of me first.
ughhhhh
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Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
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I've already accepted the fact that Stephanie and I won't be able to be friends. That's okay. I know it's for the best. There are very few people whose opinions I actually value. I don't really care if somebody doesn't like me, because chances are, I don't really care for them either. I hear Andie's not mad at me, but I don't even care. I think she's really stupid and way better than what she's putting herself through. The only thing I wish is that she'd have a little respect for me for bending over backwards and putting everything aside to stay out of as much shit as possible in an effort to make it a little easier on her. Respect me for that cause you sure as hell didn't do that. In fact, I believe it was the exact opposite. Fuck 'em.
Brandon just called. I kinda had an idea of what he wanted to talk about too (the way things have been going for me and all). He told me that he couldn't see me anymore cause it hurts too much. More or less he doesn't want to see or hear from me again. He didn't really provide any kind of explanation, but I guess you don't really have to if you're just not gonna see or talk to the person again. That really, really fucking hurts. No matter what happens, I'm always going to love Brandon. How could I not?
I know that nobody's ever gonna understand the situation I'm in and I'm gonna hear about how they don't deserve me as a friend if that's how it's gonna be and blah blah blah, but it's not that easy. Cameron just called. He could tell that something was wrong, so of course he asked and I knew that I wouldn't be able to talk about it without losing total control, so I just fucking bawled on the phone with him. It's really hard to explain the way this feels. Especially to him. Trying to explain ex's and whatnot.. and afterall, his longest relationship was like 3 months. Brandon was three years of my life. I don't think I did a good job at all of trying to explain why I'm so upset when I'm so happy with him. I'm probably fucked there too now. Brandon was my best friend. He was there for me for stuff that nobody else was. And I don't know how else to explain that to him and it not sound bad. Fuck.
I don't know. I just don't really understand why I can't be friends with them. and this shit keeps happening. Over and over again. I'm not a bad person. I didn't give the people they're dating any reason to distrust me and I really just don't get it. I try to stay out of shit and avoid it as much as possible. This really fucking sucks. That's all.
For what it's worth, I always admired you. I always thought that we could make it through.
Now look what time can do. Took a masterpiece we built and broke it in two.
I always believed in you. I always loved you.
and this is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard
there's just no hope for the both of us
well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game
all my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing, nothing will ever be the same.
fuck.
you left me here beside myself.
left me with all the reasons I was wrong for you.
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I had an awesome weekend in the mountains (from what I remember).
I am crazy about my boyfriend.
I told Stephanie that I don't want to deal with her shit or be friends at all anymore.
I'm working my butt off at the Y (of course)because I'm so broke.
I have really, really great friends.
By the end of tomorrow I will have all my summer jobs figured out. :)
I got the job at Orchard Farms.
I get to see my favorite person in Anderson in TWO DAYS.
And then we are hanging out for TWO DAYS IN A ROW.
I found a $70 recipt I swear I threw out so I can return stuff now. (I don't even HAVE $70)
I've got the living situation for next year on lock down. (College Suites- yay!)
I found a bunch of really good, under appreciated bands today.
I'm finally happy. I'm with someone who I actually deserve. This stuff always comes at me when I least expect it, but I'm really happy with him. :) I might be flat broke, but I know that I'm gonna be alright. I think I'm just gonna suck it up and try to guard at the Strom when I get back from break. (I don't think I can survive off selling my blood for very long). I'm don't like where I am RIGHT now, but I'm finally motivated to fix that.
I'm pressin' on.
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Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
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How the HELL am I supposed to write a paper reflecting on what you wrote, Bergen, when all you did was quote a bunch of really great teachers and professors and elaborate on them? These aren't your ideas, they're just long ass quotes to take up space in your book that you can force us to read so you can make money and get a big head cause 120something kids are writing about "your ideas".
fuck you, Bergen.
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Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I don't really understand why things work out the way they do. I guess I'm feeling kinda let down--but I shouldn't.. So I don't know why I feel this way. Ughhhh.. I really don't know how I'm supposed to handle this situation.. Or if there's even a situation that needs to be handled.
No Emery and Anberlin for me to avoid drama. That sucks.
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Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
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So I'm finally getting over this crazy sickness I've had for a little over a week. Being sick at school suuuuuuucks. Especially cause I've never been sick so many times back to back in my life. I swear it's the dorms. I never stayed here last semester and do you think I was sick? Nope! It's gotta be the dorm.
I had a really good weekend (aside from being sick and all the craziness that went down). I love the people I surround myself with now. It's so much better than last semester (even though I'm still close to quite a few of the people I hung out with all the time). There's not nearly as much drama in my life.. if at all right now. Just a bunch of stress from school and stuff, that when it comes down to, is out of my control. Learning to grow up and accept that's been hard, but it has to be done. I had such a good weekend. Probably because a lot of it was spent with Cameron. He is SUCH an amazing guy. I've been hurt so much and I was pretty much scared away from relationships, but this is totally different from before. When I'm with him I feel like everything is the way it's supposed to be. He's such a sweetheart and I don't understand why he's not an asshole. That's just not him though. I love how crazy passionate he is about the stuff he really cares about- his major and surfing. I admire that so much. He's just all around a totally great guy and I'm glad I've got him. :)
So anyways today totally started off by sucking. I got my geography test grade.. 80, which isn't bad I guess for not doing any of the reading and not studying at all. But still, an 80's just not me. Apparently the class as a whole impressed Carr because he said our class average was like a 70-something and that's by far the highest test average he's ever had by like 10 points. That's great, but an 80 isn't good enough for me. So got that grade back online, was running late for Schools in Communities and then I remembered that we were getting our grades back in there too. (both of those tests were Thursday) I haven't ever really had to study for anything in my life and I can't say I really know how to study, but I studied my ASS off for that test. Like I sat down for hours and hours to try and learn all that crap. Now I know I said that my SIC professor was really freakin' cool at the beginning of the semester, but lately I've decided that he's a total asshole. Comments that he's written on my papers.. along with others and then the way he was today totally reformed my opinion. When I think someone is an asshole, they've really gotta be an ass cause I'll be the first to admit that I can be an ass. The highest grade was a 76 and like half the class failed. This guy does not care. He starts class off by announcing to us all how many more days he has 'til retirement at the end of the semseter. That's great Bergen, but could you please give a shit about us? Then when we try to argue our grades with him, he tells us that we can take it again next semester but he doesn't really care cause he won't be here and blah blah blah. I officially hatttttte that man. p.s. I bombed the test and that is why my morning sucked
I refuse to let the rest of my day suck though because I know that I still have time to pull off good grades in that class. I'm not totally fucked. yet. Plus, me and Aimee are going to tan again today and then to work out. :) I missed working out all last week cause I was so freakin' sick, but I can breathe for the most part now and I'm only like 30% deaf I think. Dinner won't be fun cause I've gotta eat all this crazy food to get my iron count up so I can donate plasma tomorrow. Yeah, plasma. They pay you to do it here and yes, that IS how broke I am. I sat there doing stuff for 2 hours yesterday only to find out that my iron count is 37 and it has to be 38 for you to donate plasma.. ugh. I really hope I can donate tomorrow.. If not, no Hawthorne Heights, Emery, and Anberlin for me tomorrow night. :( I was checking my USC email the other day and I got this email from a girl about getting paid to take surveys (I seriously am that broke and no, nobody wants to hire me for like 2 months).. She sent me the site I needed to go to and whatnot and there's like a $34 account activation fee that you have to pay and then you can take like all these surveys and they send you the money in the mail or you can do it on PayPal. It sounds to easy that it's gotta be a scam.. but someone went through the university email to send it to me... I'd hate to get screwed out of $34 bucks if it's a scam, but couldn't I just get someone in trouble through the university? Who knows..
I'm tired and I think I'll take a nap.. I'm tired all the time.. I need to get to bed earlier. But I wanna finish off by saying I have the best roommate/best friend ever. She is such an amazing person and she puts up with so much stuff. I don't know how she does it, but she always does. I'm so lucky to have a best friend like her.. I can't think of many people- I can't think of many people who do. So yeah, she's awesome.
I really should write in this more.
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Monday, February 6th, 2006
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I am having SUCH a bad day.
Today was like the only day ever someone told me to have a good day and it SO hasn't. ughhhh! Things that have gone wrong:
Having to move the car this AM
Doing the wrong lab for oh an hour
Realizing it but did the wrong one again
Internet is still not fixed
Messed up astronomy so many times I didn't get to do laundry (I'm in desperate need of clean jeans)
Crazy boy is still blowing up my phone
I told Cam I didn't wanna eat dinner at 4 cause I wouldn't be hungry, too bad I was soooo hungrylike RIGHT at 4, so I ate a lunchable and when I went to throw it out, I dropped it and all the shredded cheese I didn't use fell all over the freshly cleaned floor.
If I don't pass this pre-lab (which I probably won't) I don't get to go to my lab at 6 and I lose my spot
So here I am going to walk across campus in the rain to the astronomy lab that I probably won't pass.
fuuuuuuck
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| Time: | 11:16 am. |
| Mood: |  blah. | | Music: | O-Town.. yeah, I said it. Liquid Dreams. haha. |
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So I love forgetting to put my car in the garage on Sunday nights. But it's okay cause Cindy remembered. At like 3 AM.. Soooo we had to get up at 7:45 this morning to move the car and today happens to be the only day that it is raining/semi icing outside! Great..
Today is gonna be a really long day. Ugh.
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Sunday, February 5th, 2006
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| Time: | 10:14 pm. |
| Mood: |  bouncy. | | Music: | Steelers just won bitches!. |
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What a GREAT weekend.
and the Steelers just won. :)
We have so much damn food.
and Grey's Anatomy is gonna be freakin' f-in' awesome in like 2.5
Michelle is waaaaaaasted.
and I am well on my way.
Aimee needs to hurry up with the beer.
and Dalvina or whatever the hell her name is didn't bust us for drinkingggg.
Good try though!
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Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
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| Time: | 5:50 pm. |
| Mood: | ahhh!. | | Music: | Something Corporate!. |
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Way to be a total ass, Lindsay.
I'm entirely too good at that.
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Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
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So apparently today- err yesterday.. Tuesday- Was the most depressing day of the year.
I survived..
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Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
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So life just kicked me in the ass. I'm officially negative in the bank account. Really only because I forgot to bring down my YMCA check that I got on Friday with me. But still, I've never, ever, ever been this broke in my life. I've already talked to Ashley and she's gonna get me a job at Ultra Tan. I won't be making a whole lot, but the work you have to do there is such BS anyway. I'll be able to sit there and read for school- which is something I have a hard time doing here in the room. My mom's going to put my check in the bank right now. I feel like such a pain in the ass for her. I haven't had to ask my mom for money for like 3 years. Considering all the home circumstances and shit now, I feel like such a fuck up for being this irresponsible. As far as school goes, I'm going to be reading until my eyes fall out. I'm going to Ultra Tan tomorrow and home this weekend to help Cindy move and work at the Y.
Way to fuck up Lindsay.
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linz0887's journal
drained.
tired.
crappy.
chipper.
pissed off.